The cycles of life that continue to repeat are disappointing some times. For me, I’ve never really had a great opportunity– mentally, physically, and timing– to be in love. To fall in love. That sounds dramatic but it’s how I feel and is valid.
My emotions have been out of control this week and I’ve been thinking a lot, which if you know me, then you know that’s not normal. The cause of all of this is a boy. One tall, cute, sweet, thoughtful boy. Too bad he turned out like all of the rest of them. This brings me to the life cycle that I’ve been experiencing for most of my life when it comes to romance.
I have talked to many, MANY people over the years. I’ve tried talking and being with a variety of people– boys, girls, skinny, larger, black, white, gorgeous, plain, nerdy, silly, and artsy. All of em. But in the end, I end up having to give myself more love than they are willing and able to give me. In the end, I have to rely on myself to feel worthy and loved.
I’m not sure why this happens, whether I’m not talking to the right people, or whether I just have a lot of needs. There’s so many answer that could be possible. I have a lot of love to give and am a relatively easy-going person, so it seems like a relationship would’ve worked out for me at some point.
My friends always tell me that falling in love comes when you least expect it. That there’s no way to force, or plan for being in a relationship. I have trouble with this because I’m very controlling and independent. I’m also spontaneous and brave, so I am blatantly capable of loving someone else in a relationship.
This last boy I talked to taught me a lot. First, communication. It’s so important to talk about yourself, your feelings, and expectations. Being communicative is essential to relationship development. Second, knowing your partner is so important. This is someone I knew, obviously, but never understood the important of it in reality. I felt comfortable and confident with him. It was something special to me.
Maybe not to him though.
Back to the cycle– disappointment. Self-hatred. Insecurity. Emotional instability. All of this stupid shit that was happening to me because of his manipulation. Things went south four days ago and I’m already at a resolution, reflecting on the relationship. You know why? Because I love myself and treat myself with care. Without reflection, I would be a mess and confused. I want to feel happy, confident and mentally healthy, so I treat myself with the utmost care as my life cycle has shown me. Other significant others haven’t been able to do this for me and that disappoints me. But until I find a relationship of support, love and substance, I will keep loving myself and those around me to the fullest. That’s what life is all about. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯